How it begins

To be honest I don't know where to start. I always knew that being a dad will be hard. I have tried to express my feelings with my wife, but I feel like I am just burdening her because I know she has her struggles.

Where I felt a sense of peace for a good second, was when I was talking to one of my co worker. He and I had our daughter in the same year. We have the same mentality and the same struggles. At home we are the tough, protective and loving fathers that shows no weakness. But in our heads we were struggling. We would share stories daily of our rough evening and weekends when we meet up at work. Through our venting session we would develop ideas on how to attack the issue. And it WORKED!!!

Years later we left the company and started at new ones, our family grew, and the struggle came back for me. I thought I was able to overcome it since I already went through it with my first kid. But when they say that every kid is different.... they were not kidding. Same issues from the first born was repeating itself with the second one, but what worked with the first kid did not work with the second kid. I had to figure something out.

I caved into my frustration, I would yell and curse... what killed me was not the continuous crying. But the scared look on my daughter's face. The dad that she would look to for comfort became a monster. What do I do in this situation? She is young and does she understand? Can I repair this? Did I just destroy the image of me as a hero? Will she ever come to me when we is scared of the monster under her bed? Or am I the new monster that is in the other room?